Baby boy

The roadster is gone. In an episode that could have only been engineered by you, a flaky buyer from New Zealand sent a couple of guys from Russia in a giant enclosed car carrier to pick it up tonight. The truck was so big it barely fit down our little street, let alone our driveway, so we (meaning your dad, Greg, me and the Russian) pushed it up the driveway and up onto the back of the car hauler.
We thought it was going to go yesterday, but the first truck they sent wasn't prepared for a car that didn't actually drive up onto the hauler itself. Greg told me that after he and your dad moved it out of the garage yesterday morning, your dad sat down in a chair and cried and cried.

I asked if he was attached to that car?

No, it was just a piece of Neil that was going.
Yeah, I understand that.

As much as your family has no idea what to do with me, and we're so very different, I get that. You were your dad's little boy. He taught you how to walk and talk, how to drive, how to fix cars and everything else you know how to do which is a long list. And then he had to say goodbye to you in a funeral home when you were only 41 years old.

I did the leaves today. I actually strapped on your backpack blower! It was kind of hard, because that was something that was so you.  It irritated the hell out of me, but you would blow off the driveway every day if you could.

I've heard from three friends of yours this last week. Each of them told me that you either told them you had thoughts of suicide or you seemed to be saying goodbye that last week.

You told Craig I thought I'd get better after I changed jobs, and then after the new job settled down. I just thought I'd get better and I never did.
You know it's going to be ok, Neil, things will get better.
I just thought I would get better and I didn't.

It reminded me of that last night you were alive, when you said to me at bedtime I think I've been depressed my whole life.
Well, yeah, I'm sure you've had times when you struggled but you're getting help now, Neil. You're going to feel better really soon, you're just in the shitty part right now where the side effects are bad.
Yeah, I guess.

I miss you a lot this week, Neil. I had a really hard time saying that when I met with my therapist. It just seemed like amidst all the anger and resentment I'd had towards you, it didn't make any sense to miss you at the same time.

But I do. I really do.