Another meeting

I spent the week in Florida, my last meeting of the year. You were supposed to be home caring for the kids this past week, that was the plan. Remember?

My parents stayed with them instead.

Tonight was the fall festival up at the school. My mom went with us. The kids had a blast, but I saw the couple who are friends with your friend Tim. I always wonder when I see people like that what do they know? Do they know you committed suicide? Do they blame me? Are they as deep into drugs as Tim is? Do they love it like you did?

I practiced my honesty at this meeting. Whenever someone (which wasn't many people) asked me what happened to you, I just told them.  He took his own life. If they asked how? I'd say I don't talk about that part. Sometimes the conversation would go on. Sometimes I'd get the chance to explain more.   

All in all, I got through it ok. One glaring exception when one of our managers decided to read aloud an email about a man who just committed suicide. That one was like a punch in the gut. I suddenly found myself sobbing, desperately trying to stop the water from springing out of my face.  He didn't know.  I guess he knows now.

I really resent this. I couldn't even do simple multiplication tonight. My brain is foggy, I'm not on my game. This is going to be a giant undertaking, somehow getting over this, forgiving you, moving on. It takes every ounce of energy I have, and yet there's all these other things that need my energy. Things like my children. My job. The house. The dogs.  I actually like those things. I do not like the work I have to do to process you. 

I still just cannot believe that you have done this. That on that one hot summer day, you got a marker out, scratched a quick goodbye note to the kids, stuck it in your breast pocket and died.  How am I supposed to wrap my brain around that?

Your dad is having a really hard time coming to terms with it. I don't think it helps that he knows absolutely nothing about who you really were those last few years, the things you struggled with. Everyone in your family thinks it's best to leave him in the dark because knowing the truth would crush him.

I think the lies you lived were what ultimately crushed you. I cannot see how living with lies and secrets is good for anyone. I am not going to lie to him if he asks me.

He isn't going to ask.

I think I've gotta get us out of here.