Insurance

Hi, Neil. It's been a long week since the whole Craigslist craziness. I woke up the next morning and realized that being terrified isn't a good way to go about living. So I won't be listing anything on Craigslist anymore.

I'm not so angry anymore, that's good news. I met with my therapist today and she said I'm steadily making progress on the grief continuum and I have landed squarely on depression, right on time. 

Oh, yay.  Will this go away?
Yes, as long as you don't get stuck there.
Like you warned me about getting stuck on anger. I'm not there anymore, I'm too tired to be angry.

I got some bad news tonight. I got a phone call from your life insurance company. Only half of what I expected to be paid was approved.

Why is that?
The supplemental policy will not pay out due to the manner of death.
Oh. Ok. Thank you for calling.
You're welcome. You be strong, Mrs. S.

Huh. Imagine that, the claims specialist who has to deliver the bad news that my kids and I won't be financially secure even after your death, concerned for my strength. I'll be strong, Lori. I'm so strong my shoulders start hurting at 4:00 every day. My hip joints hurt on the weekends starting around noon.

But the driveway is sealed. And the grass is cut. The kids are clean, C is learning his letters and numbers. They're eating pretty well, they're taking their vitamins. We're decorating for Halloween, we're going on playdates.

I'm selling the roadster. It's one of the many things I have to do, and it's one of the only things I really can do right now with all the legal wrangling.

I took Ruby to the vet this week. Remember that weird toe that swelled up a few weeks before you died? It's still swollen, and she started limping on it again. I called the vet and he said oh, I left a voicemail for you a long time ago, telling you we would need to x-ray it again because the bone doesn't look good.  Did you get my message?
No, but my husband passed away right around that same time, so maybe the message was lost?
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

When I took her in, he examined her again. At the end, he said I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. Was it sudden?
Um, yes. Very sudden. He took his own life.
Oh my. Oh dear. I'm so sorry.
Thank you. Neil was a pretty troubled man.
My first wife has bipolar disorder, and her entire adult life she has been suicidal.
Yes, I think that is what Neil struggled with, too.
I'm so sorry. I know how hard that is.

She didn't kill herself.

Anyway, the toe will need to be removed, and we have the added benefit of x-rays showing that at 18 months, Ruby has full blown hip dysplasia on her right side. She's been limping on her hip, not her toe.  Whoops. Poor Ruby girl has such a shitty mom I didn't even know the difference.

That first week after you died I was so panicked about how I was going to manage I wanted to find a new home for Ruby. Now, after I've had time to settle down and think about our new life, I cannot imagine giving her away, even to someone I know.  She's our dog, one of them. We need her as much as she needs us, and she's a good girl. She loves those boys, they're her boys.

So. She'll have her toe removed and we'll pray it's not cancer. And we'll start her on some sort of medication to make her hips comfortable.

And we'll stay strong.