You'll have to forgive me, Neil. I'm seriously angry with you right now and talking to you hasn't sounded like a really good idea the last few days.
My therapist assures me this is normal in the scope of grieving. Great. She also said we just want to be sure you don't get stuck there.
Ah, yes. Stuck in the anger position. I could see it happening, considering just how much I have to be angry about.
I saw someone at the mall today. Bob's wife. I have only officially met her once before, and when I did I knew she looked familiar. It's because she works at Gap Kids, that's why. This woman that Bob publicly vilified for reasons unknown, who has cared for him during his cancer and apparently puts up with his horrible personality. Anyway, she saw me too. I don't know if she recognized me but she certainly took pains not to look my way.
It started me thinking about all the people out there who thought they knew you. Who really didn't. Who are probably looking at me and thinking what a bitch. Here she was married to such a wonderful guy, and she didn't appreciate it. He would have died for her and those kids. Oh, that's right, he did die.
Such bullshit. That whole act, that fake earnest guy everyone else met. I hated that guy. I still do. You knew it was bullshit, too, and you didn't know how to be real with people. We talked about that in one of our many marriage counseling sessions. Diane, who seemed to have loads of sympathy for you, talking about that pressure.
Neil, that's a huge burden to carry around with you, trying to appear perfect to everyone you meet. No wonder you lash out at home, you need to release that pressure somehow.
I've gotten to the chapter in Why Suicide? where they talk about the children of suicide victims. The recurring theme is no matter how young the child, they can handle the truth and you need to tell it to them. So I'm working on that. Living a lie isn't a good idea, look what it did to you. I just don't want the truth about you to weigh heavy on them.
I'll figure it out. That's the weird thing about your dying. They won't remember much about you. Their knowledge of you is going to come from me.
Which is good and bad.
In case you want to read about another mom's decision to tell her young kids (aged 6 and 4) about their dad's suicide, here's a link: http://sinsofsunnyside.blogspot.com/2010/09/truth.html
ReplyDeleteI can't believe you have to do this, but it can be done and I hope it helps you.
My grandfather killed himself in front of my Mom, aunt and grandmother. I have known about it for a very long time, as a young child my mother told me about what happened to my grandfather. I didn't know my grandfather, I understand that he had mental illness, and he was also an alcoholic. He was a WWII vet.
ReplyDeleteKids process this type of death in different ways. It will effect them well into adulthood, it's important to be honest, and tell them in a way they can understand.
I can tell you that my Mom was okay. She dealt with it, and later in life she got therapy. Back when she was 18 and this happened therapy wasn't an option. My Aunt blocked it. She never had a negative or bad thing to say about my grandfather. She once accused my Mom of lying about what had happened. My Aunt was less okay, even as an adult, even after therapy.
I am so sorry that this is even a converation that you have to have with your boys, but it is best to tell them the truth. You are so right, that what they will remember about their Dad will come from you. What they will know about how he died will be what comes from you, too.