On shame

I've heard from a lot of people since you died. Nobody really knows how to process what you chose to do, neither do I. I have the added benefit of being one of two people in the world you really knew you, so I have that going for me.

Recently, I got a message from an old friend, someone who had never met you. She said I should not be ashamed to be the survivor.

I had to sit and look at that for a long time, processing it.

I have no shame about what you did. You did this, not me. If you were a bank robber I wouldn't feel personally responsible for your criminality. Why should I feel personally responsible for your mental illness?

I didn't give you that. You came to me with that, I know that. I didn't give you bipolar disorder or depression or disabling anxiety or suicidal ideations or a drug addiction or an inability to cope with life. If anything, I tried to smooth out your rough edges, I tried to help you. Only in the end, we can't help other people if they can't help themselves. And that's where I think you were.

Those last few weeks, I was so angry with you for being so needy. You would literally lay on me, or wake me up in the middle of then night trying to snuggle.

Neil, I do not want to snuggle, it's inappropriate. You need to let me sleep.
I just need some comfort right now.
But I can't be the one to give you that.
I just need a little bit of your strength. Just let me lay on your arm.
You need to find that in yourself, Neil. I can't squeeze it out like a sponge.

Now, now I would do it all differently. There would be no divorce. I would let you lay on me all night every night if it would change what happened on August 27.

I remember that feeling, the feeling of needing to just wind back the clock two hours, four hours, one day. The absolute panic. Surely this wasn't real, this had not happened.

But it did.

I still have to work on that, every day. This really happened. You are not coming home. I really do have to raise our boys alone. You really aren't going to ever drive your car down the driveway again.