Bedtime

I'm sleeping with the boys.  I think it's more for my comfort than for theirs. Although C's anxiety is so high right now, he would definitely not get through a night in his own bed.

Most nights they ask for stories about snakes, I have no idea why.  I told G I've run out of snake stories, but he still asks.  Tonight C asked for stories about "a guy who scuba dives with sharks," and I knew he wanted one of your stories.

So I told him about how you and I went to Hawaii long before they came into this world, and you went scuba diving and saw sharks and barracudas.  C had lots of questions about how dangerous they were, why they didn't bite you, what were their teeth like.  I tried really hard, Neil, to make it not scary.  To tell them how exciting diving was for you, even though it scares me to death. 

Tomorrow is your birthday, 9/11.  God you hated that, to have your birthday spoiled.  My mom and dad's church is having a big memorial service with fire trucks and servicemen and women, so I told the boys about how we will go to that.

Then a conversation with G, only three, always blunt.

I want Dad.
I do, too, honey, I miss Daddy, too.
Do you miss Dad?
Yes, I miss him very much. 
Are you sad?
Yes, sometimes I'm very sad.  I loved Daddy very much, and he loved us.  He loved you guys so much.
You know who loves us more than Dad?
Who?
God.  God loves us the best.

Thank you, God.  I've been asking you for a sign since before Neil died, asking for guidance, asking to wrap your arms around me when we lost Neil because I just cannot do this.  And you gave it to me.  You gave me my own son, three years old, who's only been to church on Christmas Eves.  Telling me God loves us more than - no, better than - anyone else.  I needed to hear that tonight.

There are fireworks tonight, I assume for 9/11.  It makes the dogs bark, which scares the kids.  Can't we just have one day where the weight of you doesn't loom so large?