Hindsight

I think about those last two weeks a lot.  I was so irritated with you because you weren't handling the divorce well.  I'd look at you and see these long creases in your face get deeper every day.  Your eyes were sinking into your head each day.  I didn't see that the glue was coming out of the seams.

I was still scared of you.  I should have seen it now, you weren't scary then.  But you'd managed to rebound so many times before - to go from kind and mellow to full-on maniac in two seconds.  The fourth of July, when I walked into the room and knew in a heartbeat you were suddenly Scary Guy.  How you threatened to ruin me and my family the whole way down to the fireworks, and then sat and rubbed my mom's hand and pretended everything was fine.  You seemed almost psychotic that night.

I sat on the blanket, shaking.  I feared for my life that night.

I lay in bed one night a few weeks later, thinking how you seemed so different somehow, and then my heart was gripped with fear. 

Oh my God, this is all an act.  When they find me in a shallow grave, he'll have so many witnesses who will say 'they were getting along, they weren't fighting, he loved his wife, he wasn't scary or dangerous.' 

The day before you died, you thanked me.  Thanked me for doing so much that week, shuttling the kids to school, feeding us all, cleaning, working.  I said "Neil, this was just another normal week."  But to you, the weight of it all had become overwhelming.  I didn't know that.

I think I've been depressed my whole life.
Well, I'm sure you've had bouts of it, but you've gotten better remember?  Things always get better, Neil.  You'll be ok again soon, you just have to stick it out through these next few days while the medicine starts working.
How long did it take last time?
You stopped working in September, finally started the meds in October.  By November you had turned a corner and were feeling a lot better, and you went back to work in December.  I think the worst of it lasted a few weeks.  When did you start them this time?
August 13.
It's August 26 now, so you're two weeks in.  I bet in another couple days you'll start to feel better. Just hang in there, I know it sucks.
How did you feel when you were depressed after C was born?
You mean after G?  It was after G, that's when I had to take time off work.  It felt like I was walking around with one of those x-ray blankets on me all the time.  The only person I could interact with was the baby. 
How long before you felt better?
I don't really remember anymore.  A few weeks at least, maybe a month? I need to get some sleep, Neil.