I need a plan

I know, you're probably rolling your eyes at me. I need a plan, Neil.  I don't operate well with uncertainty and right now everything seems uncertain, even the things that aren't.

Here are my options:
Move to a new house in same town
Move to a new house in new town
Move to a new state
Don't do anything

I can tell you don't do anything isn't really gonna fly with me. I've needed out of this house for a long time. I almost bought a little brick ranch from the fifties in your favorite neighborhood.  It had structural issues, so I passed. I want to rehab a little-old-lady house, not shore up a moving foundation. 

Then I saw a nice house out west, nearer to your family. It just makes me panic, the thought of moving out there and starting over. So why does the thought of moving to Texas not make me panic?

The boys are doing really well here, I think if I don't move out of state I should stay in this area so they can stay in their same schools. But I'm afraid if I stay, someone will say something to them at some point. Before they're ready, before I get a chance to explain.

So I spent most of last night looking at real estate in Houston near my brother. Not my only brother, but the only one who has reached out to me since you died.

I know, I'm not thinking straight right now. The day after you died I just wanted to RUN. Anywhere, anywhere but here. Then the day after that I thought there's no way I can ever leave here. I can't abandon you. Today, today I'm less panicked and just as unclear as I was a month ago.

Thank God I'm keeping busy with all the bullshit of settling your affairs. I've got that going for me. Twenty certified copies of your glossy death certificate ready to pick up from the funeral home. The same funeral home I just wrote a check for almost ten thousand dollars to. Ten thousand dollars and you were cremated. Jesus, Neil.  Good thing social security has promised to pay me $255 as the surviving spouse.

I realized something today. I get much more upset about you when I think of the past, the things we went through, the problems, even the good times like when the kids were born. If I don't think about it, then I do better. It's not possible to not think about it, ever, but if I keep busy with work and the kids, things are better in my head.

I hope you're doing well, Neil. I hope you're free of your troubles. I miss talking to you.