That morning

You know, I can't remember how well we slept the night before you died, or when we woke up?  So it must have been normal.

I do remember that you came downstairs and while I made pancakes for you and the kids, your Grammy J's crepe recipe, you laid on the couch with your hand over your face. 

I was so irritated by that, but I didn't say anything.  I just fumed to myself.  Get up! Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Get a fucking hold of yourself.

I got the kids dressed, got myself dressed.  I went to Bread Company for my bagel and tea.  Should I offer to get him his coffee?  He doesn't seem to be motivated to go get it himself today.

But I didn't. I let you lay on the couch. I had fed you pancakes. You ate.

What do you want to do this weekend, Neil? Do you have any plans?
No, I feel like I rush around all the time.  I just don't want to rush around right now.

When I got back from Bread Company I think I walked the dog.  Or maybe I took the kids with me? No, I couldn't have done that.  Maybe I didn't walk her. 

I started asking the kids what they wanted to today? Go to the pool? Go to the movies?  G chose the movie. At some point while I was online looking up the showtimes, you came into the office. 

You're welcome to come to the movie with us, it's up to you.  There are themes of blended families, I just want you to know ahead of time so you don't get upset.
 
You turned around and left the office without saying a word. Then you went upstairs and took a shower. 

Then I took a shower.

The movie was at 11:20.  A few minutes before eleven, I herded the kids to the kitchen, where you were standing. 

We'll be back in a couple hours.

You said goodbye to each of them, hugs and kisses.  I went down the steps and out to the car.

Was that when you wrote your notes, right then?  Did you turn off all the lights just then, or did you wander around the house doing that?  By the time I was turning onto Manchester, were you still with us, or was it too late? Were you with Jesus then?

1:15 We r on our way home.

Are you with Jesus now?

C and I played baseball in the yard last night.  You should have seen it, he cranked a couple balls over the fence!  He's gotten so much better than when he played on the team this spring.   We played with four balls.  One for the dog, three for us. 

What's next spring going to look like, Neil?  How am I going to have two boys on two little baseball teams, two sets of practices, two sets of games? Two boys without a daddy helping them hit the ball.  Two boys without a daddy helping them learn to throw with one hand and catch with the other. 

Two boys.