Clarity

The day after you died, the day after that one, the day of your funeral. Those days I was so clear about what happened.

You were struggling with depression.  You had started back on your medication.  You were a low metabolizer and never handled it well, always felt like you were coming out of your own skin.  You were put on the wrong medication for your symptoms, jacked up quickly to the highest dose, and you were not monitored appropriately.  You told your therapist of your thoughts, she was supposed to communicate with your shitty doctor.  It was malpractice, what happened to you.

And then I helped you let go of your body, or maybe I helped me let go of it.  And then we helped you lay down next to your grandma, and we said goodbye.

And now, as the days stretch on, now it's not as clear. 

You wrote me those two little love notes on Friday.  I was holding a conference call that morning with my district, you knew that, but we didn't really talk about it.  Jean was coming, it was Friday.  So I loaded up my computer and headed out to the garage office.  There on your desk, two little yellow sticky notes telling me how much you loved me.  That I was your soulmate.

I texted you later to tell you I'd found the notes. 

notes were just letting you know that ur loved despite situation my bunion hurts maybe like your neck!

That's right, I forgot about that.  My neck had given out on me the weekend before you died.  I pinched a nerve in my neck while we were at the pool with the boys and couldn't look left.  It hurt for a week.  It hurt until I felt what real pain was, pain deep down in my chest cavity that sucked the air out of my lungs when I'd think about it.

That night, or maybe it was the night before, you'd laid in bed telling me all the things you loved about me.  I was so pissed.

I just need to get some sleep, Neil.  Please stop talking.
What did you like about me?  Why were you attracted to me, in the beginning?
[pissed that I wasn't being allowed to sleep] Well, I loved that you could do absolutely anything.  Build a house, build a car, fix anything.  I'd never met anyone who knew how to do everything like that.  So talented.
What else?
Um, you know what I've always loved about you and sometimes hated? You never forget anything, you're like an elephant.  Seriously, I could say in passing "we need milk" and that night you'll come home with milk.  Me, I've forgotten we need milk two minutes after I say it. If you say you're going to do something, you do it.
That's it?
Jesus, Neil, what do you want me to say?
I don't know.

I should have told you more.

Were you already making plans that night?  Had you decided it was too painful to go on like that, this time you were going to get off the ride? Is that why you left me those notes, why you told me all that stuff about me? Why you wanted to hear what I loved about you?

Or was it just another night like we'd had all summer.  When did you decide this was your only solution?  I want the clock turned back to a minute before that minute.  So I could tell you I love you.  I love you.  We need you.  We need you. 

Can you hear me now?