I don't know what to do

What day is today? I have that feeling all the time. As though I've been blindfolded and spun around and then let go.

I called the funeral home yesterday, and the lady said your death certificate finally came in. Oh yay. I've been holding my breath, waiting for it. I need it to move on with anything, like transferring the titles of all those cars, or starting the estate settlement process.

But I really don't want to see it.

And I don't want to have to share it with people.

Like, the super helpful lady at your company's human resources department, who is standing by to "fast track" your life insurance claim. They just need the death certificate, then we're all set.

See, I've managed to not talk about how you died with most of these people. The State Farm guy, that was a different situation because of Harry. But your investment guy, he's the dad of one of C's friends from pre-school. I think I may just submit the certificate to their corporate office, bypass him altogether.

Not that his wife and I are friends anymore. I was kind of taken aback by her reaction to your dying.  I could almost see her physically step away from me at your visitation. Her hug was fake and insincere. She didn't even know the details and I could see her wiping her hands of us. Ew, this is messy, I don't like this. Yucky.

And then there was her husband, calling me a week after you'd died to see exactly how much money he was going to be able to help me invest.

So, I guess I'm back to square one with finding local friends again.

It's ok. It's not like I have a lot of free time for casual glasses of wine and interesting conversation.

My mom brought back my Why Suicide? book today. She cried a lot during lunch, I'm not sure reading the book was helpful or not. It hasn't helped me much. I understand how you were feeling those last few weeks.

What I don't think any book is going to be able to tell me is how do I tell my children the truth about you? That you didn't want to live anymore, and you killed yourself? That you didn't love them enough to work through your problems and see them into adulthood. I know from the note you left in your shirt pocket that you were thinking of them in those last moments. How you could have possibly thought they wouldn't be harmed by your decision is beyond human comprehension. Beyond mine, at least.

I think you were just thinking about yourself.

Someone has to be the needy one in a relationship, Heather. I'm just needier than you.